emansil

My decision to try and post more recs sadly lasted a very short time. The decision was firm, but then I got employed. And I have to tell you, this 40 hour a week business is kicking my ass. I was in bed by 8pm every night for the first 2 weeks including the weekends. I only now feel I may be able to stay up past 10.

I can barely finish reading a fic, forget being able to concentrate clearly enough to remember and put down in words why I liked it. Maybe, I'll get back used to the daily grind ad be able to do that again. One day.

The free time I have I'm trying to spend it writing. I've all these half-written fics, (25 of them, at last count). And what am I spending my time on? One of them, no. I started a new one for possible entry into kinkfest.

It's my own prompt, and I don't even know if it qualifies as kink. But it came to me one evening, and it's not leaving until I spend at least some time exploring the idea. But, I can almost know that it will never be finished, like all the others. I'll get to a certain place, and either get tired of it, feel it's a piece of crap and I should just stop, or the date will come and go, and I'll never pick it back up again.

I seem to be great at starting things, completing them---not so much. Am I the only one that suffers from this condition?

Those of you who sign up for things and manage to have them done months ahead of posting date, or even just finish them the same month are like creatures from another time and place to me. I simply am amazed by you all.

Question about word counts. I tend to throw in everything, and I mean everything, in my initial drafts, and when I edit I usually lose word count, or at the least change the words. How do I count that? Can I count that? I may have spent 2 hours or longer working on a story, but the actually word count may only change by a hundred or fewer words. Is it only the actual words of a story that can be counted? Somehow that doesn't seem quite fair. Maybe I just want the time I spend doing it to count for something.

Though really, now that I think about it, it does. Spending my time making up stories and putting it down on paper, or screen as you will, makes me happy. for the most part. Sure there are times when I send it to a beta and the response is less than I had wanted. Or when I post something and it gets very little response.

Maybe that's why its so hard for me to complete anything. Once its finished it's expected that it will be posted. And that part of it tends to make me really sad and lonely. Makes me feel unworthy. Especially posting to fests. There are always all these wonderful writers that post to fests. It gets really tiring to always have the lowest comment count or kudo count or any other method we and others use to determine if we have value or not.

Comparing yourself to others is an exercise in futility and I try really hard not to, but sometimes it just happens w/o intention on my part. Or I get in a really depressed mood and I go around looking for things that support my feeling bad about myself. May be a stupid thing to do, but please...we all do it, at least once in a while. I know I'm not the only one. but I may be the only one that admits to it.

So, maybe I'm not meant to finish things, maybe I'm just meant to work on them as long as that gives me joy. Weirdly enough this post that started off with me feeling sort of blah, and morphed into my silently weeping, has turned into something that I can sort of feel pretty damn okay about.

That's all. Have a great day, good luck with all the reading and the writing and whatever else you've planned for the day.

I'm trying to kickstart my writing gene, as it seems to be MIA, except there hasn't been any action to go missing from.

I was thinking about trying to fill some of the prompts from the Anywhere but the Bed comment fest, only I don't know if that's allowed since the deadline to fill them is long past. But they're ones that should be able to be filled in a relatively short number of words. So can some one tell me, is that allowed.

If not, if anyone would like to give me some fairly simple prompts, that would be lovely. You're welcome to give me pairings too, if you'd like. I'm pretty much all slash all the way, but I'm open to trying any and all slash pairings.

This originally posted on DW, you can comment here or there.