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[personal profile] emansil
It's been a while since I've rambled about this, that or the other. I'm sure you've all missed it. Not. lol.

Tomorrow will mark the 2 month mark of my temporary early retirement. I say temporary, as I know there is no way I'll be able to go without ever working again. I wish, as I truly love not having a job. I don't love not having money to do everything I want, but I'm actually managing quite well, in terms of doing most of everything I want.

The only thing that I'm running into an issue with is time. There's just not enough of it. Which makes me wonder what the situation would be if I was still working full time, plus the lunch times, plus driving. That's equal to about 50 hours a week of what I'd call non productive time. Time wise, I can't afford to return to work.

I'd planned on using this time to a: get in shape--which omg is so hard and takes so much time, the exercising, the planning meals, the cooking meals, the making sure you're eating healthy. And even after all that, the scale is not moving. It's so depressing that you just want to give it all up.

The second thing I had planned was to finish up some of the large quantity of started, yet unfinished stories. There are a few that I hope to complete and submit for fests, but I'm still not anywhere near where I wanted to be. I'm finding it all rather stressful.

Speaking of, I sort of had a mini meltdown today. Worry about the stories I've not finished, stories that are due for fests that I seem to be somewhat stalled on. worry about house and home projects not done, worry about the overwhelming number of books I have cluttering up the house. Worry about whether the mini-fest I'm running is going to be a complete bomb or not.

So what did I do to ease my high level of anxiety? why what any book addict would do. I went to the bookstore, bought way too many books, and then went to the library and checked out even more books. Books that I know I'll never be able to finish. Add to that my daily dose of BookBub suggested purchases and again the number of books to finish becomes ever more worrisome. Now, I know I'm not the only one here with these problems, yet it still causes me to go into major meltdowns.

Now, I'm not sure if I was having a pre-warning of the upcoming meltdown the other night. I literally got no sleep. I was awake, fully awake for 30 plus hours before I was finally able to shut the brain of enough to take a one and half hour nap.

During my wake hours I found the first HarryDraco story I ever wrote. Well, I found part of it. Chapter 1 seems to be among the missing as is chapter 9 and the epilogue. And its soooo bad. I clearly had no idea what I was doing. Each chapter was posted in a different colour I had another male character that was so totally a Gary Stu that it makes me cringe a bit. Plus the beta I had always sent the chapters back with an hour of my sending them, and nothing was ever corrected. Anyone who has ever written anything knows there should always be some sort of corrections, and for me, assuredly lots of corrections.

Still it was fun to find it, since pretty much everything I wrote under my original LJ name is long gone. Partly due to deleting that journal, but mostly due to destruction of everything when I had the major meltdown New Year's eve 2011.

There are times when I wonder why I ever went back to writing. Maybe things would be better off if I'd just left it. I mean its fun, but its just so much work, and takes so much time. And there you are putting your very being out there for people to flame, or more likely to ignore. And I understand, because sadly I do the same thing. I may like something--a lot, but it is rare of me to say anything. And that was something I noticed when I was looking at things from the past. I used to be much better about commenting. I just don't anymore, and I'm honestly not sure why, or how to change that behavior. Oh I know how to change it, it's the actual changing it, that I struggle with.

And I've rambled on way, way too long. The positive thing though is, even though I still have the meltdowns and the mood swings, they are usually short lived. Unlike the past where the mood shifts could last for days or sometimes even weeks. These are usually only a day or two at the most. I'm sure not having to go into a job is a huge help in that direction.


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